A wedding message for my daughter and new son-in-law

Wow. Walking down that aisle was probably the longest 50 feet that I’ve ever walked. I don’t think I could ever express everything that I was thinking and feeling as we took those precious steps. In a way, I didn’t want it to end. And yet I’m quite pleased that it has ended right here at this altar, with you Ryan, waiting for her. And now, this one step you are taking is going to take you much further than any distance we can measure by metres or feet. You guys are going on an adventure!

As I’ve watched your relationship blossom, I think it’s fair to say that both of you seem to enjoy looking for adventure. How many times did you go hiking in the Whiteshell, or go out in all kinds of weather for walks around Winnipeg parks? There was that day Becky came home sopping wet because she said that the “puddle” she’d stepped into was deeper than she thought. And when I asked her specifically where they went, I said, Becky, that wasn’t a puddle – that was a “ditch!” But it was also an adventure!

And now the adventure continues as you take this step today. And mark my words: It’s a dangerous business taking this step. You step down this aisle, “and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no telling where you might be swept off to!” You have chosen a beautiful Scripture passage to be read on this wonderful occasion, and one that fits the theme of adventure.

So let’s read 1 John 4:7-12. “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” (ESV)

The love that is spoken of in this passage is an adventurous love. It’s a love that embarks, a love that sacrifices, a love that excites, and a love that travels great distances to achieve lofty goals! It’s a love full of challenges and rewards. Some might think it sounds a fitting passage for a wedding because of all the talk of love:  the word love is used 13x in those six verses. But God and His Son, Jesus, are also mentioned 13x in those six verses. So as an accountant Ryan, you’d be interested in knowing that those 2 words account for 21% of the 123 words in those six verses!

But do you see the adventure in the God and in the love this passage speaks of? – This God of whom it is said: “God is love”? Do you see the excitement of it all? The God who sent His Son Jesus from heaven to visit this world to proclaim and demonstrate a message – the message that God is setting up His Kingdom in the hearts and lives of people like you and me so that He can show us what it truly means to live! And that same Jesus showed the world God’s amazing love as He gave His very life to pay the penalty for every act of rebellion humanity has ever expressed against God! And then, while the world waited in astonishment, God raised Jesus from the dead and gave Him heaven’s throne! That is the adventure this passage speaks of when it speaks of this love from God.

And may I suggest that the step you are now taking is a part of that adventure? You see, the adventurous “love” this passage speaks of is what the Bible calls a “covenant” love – meaning a love that God solemnly commits to, guaranteeing promises that He includes in the covenant relationship that He initiates and invites us into with Him. And marriage – which has always been God’s idea – is meant to be an illustration, or a picture, or even a demonstration – of God’s covenant love for us!

You see, the love expressed in your marriage is also meant to be a love that embarks, a love that sacrifices, a love that excites, and a love that travels great distances to achieve lofty goals! A love full of challenges and rewards. In other words, a love that follows the example of God’s love for us.

There are people who wonder, “What does God’s love look like?” Well, we’re told what it looks like in what I just read: “This is love… that He loved us and sent His Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins…” But the passage also says: “No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us.” In other words, our love for one another allows people to see God’s love expressed in us by how we love each other. The Bible is not speaking here of some ordinary love – but about Almighty God’s covenant love being expressed through us! 1 John 4 is speaking of a powerful love that can only be found in God! And when we truly experience that everlasting covenant love, it not only motivates us to love others, but it enables us to do so in the toughest of times when our natural and limited ability to love fails.

This is vital for a marriage. I promise you: There will be tough times when your natural ability to love each other as husband and wife is not sufficient and will not last unless you have the love of God at work in your heart! Only then will your love for each other also become a love that embarks, and sacrifices, and travels great distances to achieve lofty goals.

You might be wondering: What “great distance” am I talking about? Or how do we need to “embark” in order to love each other? The great distance Jesus traveled was from heaven to earth, but the great distance that we need to travel is the distance between our focus on self and our focus others. The distance this requires us to travel in our hearts is proportional to just how selfish we are capable of being. As you learn to share life together as a couple, there will be times when you want your way and not his or her way. And you will want to insist on doing things YOUR way! At these moments, the distance between you will have the potential to increase until there are many emotional miles between you. Loving one another will feel like a long way to travel – and perhaps a great sacrifice. But if you remember the love of God that your marriage is meant to illustrate, you’ll choose to embark from that selfish self, and in one simple act of repentance, travel those many emotional miles because you’re committed to loving each other the way Jesus loves you.

But that can be very difficult in the moment, and so you will truly need God’s help as you embark on this adventure called marriage. You will need God’s love in you in order to be a loving husband and wife. You will need His love at work in you in order to selflessly love each other on the days when the other doesn’t seem so lovable. And don’t be fooled into thinking that your love for each other as husband and wife is a 50/50 kind of thing, as if you’re each supposed to meet each other in the middle. That’s not the example God set for us through His love. God did not ask us to meet Him in the middle. He left all the glories of heaven to come all the way to us to show His love to us. Loving one another is not a 50/50 proposition – nor is it a 60/40 proposition, or 70/30, or 80/20… You can see where I'm going with this... It’s 100/0.

That’s how this adventure you’re embarking on involves sacrifice: You must give all of yourself to love the other, dying to self in order to prefer the other person. If you’re on an exciting adventure, do you hold back and pursue it half-heartedly? NO! You give it all you’ve got! You jump off that cliff with both feet and make the most of that time! Well, that’s how I want you to think of this marriage and of loving one another – you’re all in, ready to make sacrifices, and to go the distance, embarking on an adventure like nothing you’ve ever done before!

But to do this, you’ll need to continually depend on God for the love you will need to survive the dangerous business of stepping down this aisle! So make Jesus the Lord of the adventure you begin with each other today, and Jesus will help you to love each other the way He loves you.

© 2017 by Ken Peters

12 Rules for Fighting Fair

Nobody gets married because they’re looking for a fight. A man and a woman get married because they want to share the rest of their lives with the person they love. Think about it though. Can two imperfect people spend the rest of their lives together, in close proximity, and never experience conflict with each other? After 18 years of marriage and 17 years as a pastor, my conclusion is, no, not a chance! Arguments happen in every marriage. The trick isn’t finding the secret of how to have a fight-free marriage, but rather, discovering how to fight fair in a marriage by establishing the appropriate boundaries for the arguments spouses are sure to have.

That’s why I believe every husband and wife should know the rules of engagement for having a healthy argument. That way, when an argument takes a couple by surprise, each person has a pre-determined understanding of what’s appropriate. I’ve observed that however simple some of these rules may seem, it’s easy to forget them when emotions spike if a couple hasn’t intentionally considered and agreed upon them. As a pastor, it’s not rare for me to invite those who are struggling in their marriage or those who are brand new to marriage to commit themselves to following these rules.

So what are they?

Number 1: No name-calling. Sticks and stones aren’t the only things that hurt people. To angrily throw insults at one another can easily leave spouses feeling scarred due to how difficult it is to forget such pointed words, like, “How could you do something so stupid?!” What’s worse is that because name-calling often amounts to an unrighteous judgment of a person, it can easily provoke angry reactions like, “Okay, if she thinks I’m a slob, I’ll act like one! I’ll show her what a slob is.”

Number 2: No sarcasm. Even when spoken in a joking fashion, like, “Yeah, like I'm sure you'd follow through on that!”, it only leaves the listener feeling insecure as they wonder if the person they love really believes what they're saying in a joking fashion. The only things that are accomplished by such comments are to nurture unbelief in the speaker and uncertainty in the listener.

Number 3: NO YELLING! Yelling is simply verbal violence. It’s a way of seeking to achieve control of a situation by dominating it through sheer volume.

Number 4: Never walk away without permission. Again, this amounts to control. It’s a reflex of a coward who can’t face what’s being said. If it seems necessary to be apart for a period of time in order for emotions to cool, then ask permission to do so with an understanding that it’s unto purpose and that the disagreement will be resolved when a couple is together again. I used to need to go for a drive on the highway for awhile, and my head always felt clearer when I got home.

Number 5: Don’t contact your parents or siblings to get them involved. Blood is typically thicker than water, and family will find it difficult not to take sides with their dear son or daughter. This will only tempt them to get offended on behalf of their child thereby complicating the present situation and possibly poisoning their future view of the in-law. The leaving and cleaving principle is truly worth maintaining when in conflict with your spouse.

Number 6: Don’t bring matters up for which you’ve previously forgiven each other. If something has been forgiven, it’s not only off-limits in an argument, it has no place being on your mind at all! It should be considered washed away by the precious blood of Jesus!

Number 7: Don’t fight in front of your kids. This is important not only because it’s healthy for children to see their parents as united, but also because it provides very damaging role-modeling when kids see their parents breaking any of these rules toward someone they love.

Number 8: Never, ever, get physically aggressive. This is the worst form of control that can occur in an argument and must be considered completely off-limits. If there is ever a temptation in this area, breaking rule number 4 is forgivable!

Number 9: Don’t ever talk about divorce. If such talk comes up in an argument, all it does is sow insecurity into a marriage, and it’s difficult to regain such security once it’s been lost in this way.

Number 10: Resolve things the same day a fight happens. This means not going to bed angry, which means not letting the sun go down on your anger. And this can sometimes mean having quite a late night. Though depending on the hour, your level of tiredness and when you need to be up in the morning, it is sometimes better to come to a place of agreement before bed that you'll be sure to revisit the issue you're arguing over the next day with cooler heads rather than with exhausted heads late at night. In such cases, it's important to schedule a specific time that you will discuss it the next day and then briefly pray together, asking God to prepare your hearts for that discussion.

Number 11: Clearly express what you did wrong when apologizing and verbalize forgiveness. I’ve heard apologies like, “I’m sorry I made you angry” or “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Those aren’t apologies. They’re the avoidance of an apology. They’re deflecting the focus from oneself and one’s sin to the anger or hurt of the person who was sinned against. Truly apologizing means to specifically acknowledge one’s wrong, as in, “I’m sorry for being late and for reacting so harshly when you confronted me. I was wrong to do that.” It’s then very important to be just as clear when expressing forgiveness. Speak the words, “I forgive you” and don’t bring the matter up again.

Number 12: Don’t withhold affection after a matter has been resolved. In other words, rather than saying, “Let’s kiss and make-up”, it’s probably more accurate to say, “Let’s make-up and kiss!”

I don’t mind saying that I find a few of these rules particularly difficult to follow. But by God’s grace, I believe I can follow them all, and if my wife and I can maintain these boundaries when we argue, I know it’ll help every argument to be an opportunity for growth. So rather than focussing on the impossible goal of avoiding fights with that imperfect person at your side, ask God to help you fight by the rules, despite your own imperfections!

© 2009 by Ken Peters

To my bride!

Today is Fiona's 40th birthday! We were married when she was 22 years old and she's as beautiful today as the day we wed. More so! As we've shared the last 18 years together, my admiration for her has continually increased. I've watched how she has dealt with a kidney condition for 20 years, and how she responded when her kidneys eventually failed so that she needed dialysis, and I've been amazed! In fact, she amazes me in so many ways that I want to list some of them here for everyone to see!

• Despite many difficult circumstances, her faith in God has grown stronger and stronger.
• She is cheerful and positive, even under pressure.
  
• As she has grown in God, she has become a real fighter in areas of spiritual warfare.
• She knows how to encourage herself in God when disappointments come.
• She's a wonderfully wise and intuitive mother to our three children.
  
• She's not a worrier! She has a deep trust in God in times of need.
• She's really smart with a phenomenal memory and great organizational skills.
• I regularly watch her handle and sort out details in several contexts at once without getting flustered and without missing a beat.
• She's careful when spending money on herself while extremely generous toward others.
• She has a very willing spirit and a very high capacity in her service to the Body of Christ.
• She's sacrificial in her love for others, and serves without complaint when she sees a need.
  
• She calls me up to a higher perspective and to greater maturity on a regular basis!
• She's an extraordinarily caring and sensitive wife!
• And she's incredibly beautiful!
  

I love my wife! I'm so glad that the Lord led us to each other and that she's such a wonderful friend. I love sharing life with her, walking together in the journey we're on. I continually see the grace of God at work in her, and she's often a minister of grace to me. Though she'd never think it of herself, she's an amazing lady. And she's more amazing with every year that passes!

© 2009 by Ken Peters